Defending the Women of ‘The Tinder Swindler’!
Falling victim to fraud is not a personal failing
This piece is a long one, so click here to see it online!
Brief introduction
The Tinder Swindler is a Netflix documentary that detailed how conman Simon Leviev tricked women he met on Tinder into giving him money. He would do this by initially blasting the women with his wealth and then emotionally manipulating them into providing him financial support.
This documentary estimates he has stolen $10 million from his victims, and he is currently a free man after serving 5 months in jail for his crimes.
Ever since the documentary dropped, responses on the net have been mixed. However, most people seem to be unable to grapple with how a woman would give someone she just met $20,000. This is valid; it is a crazy amount to give someone.
But what is of great annoyance to me is the people who think situations like these are “utterly ridiculous” and that these women’s actions are “impossible” for ordinary people. The ones who cannot give the women the benefit of the doubt aggravate me.
Bearing in mind in 2020, it was estimated romance scammers stole a record of $304 million from people — up by 50% from the previous year, according to the Federal Trade Commission. So obviously, it is a grave issue that deserves respect in its treatment.
My first thoughts
Everyone who falls victim to fraud always claims that it isn’t something they thought would ever happen to them. This seems like an obvious statement to make, but I personally think it is weighted more than some realise.
It is my personal opinion that people who don’t think they would fall for fraud make the perfect victims. Why? Because the idea of being duped is so foreign, it is the last thing that’d come to in the situation. If it is simply a non-event in your life, you’re unlikely to remain vigilant enough to not fall victim to it.
I personally think I could very easily fall for a scam; therefore, it is always at the forefront of my mind. But even then, I’d never claim to be invincible. Nevertheless, the best way to not fall victim to them involves staying up to date with the latest scams, amongst others, so I think the superiority complex some people have is dangerous.
So, due to the comments of some people, I have taken the time out of my day to defend these women! Let’s get into it!
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1. Documentaries don’t do fraud justice
Fraud is scary. And under COVID-19, it has surged by 24% overall. Not only do scams cost individuals, but they also cost governments and organisations trillions of dollars a year. Then there are the mental health costs experienced by the victims and the treatments they’ll have to undergo for trauma. As a crime, none other affects such a diverse population of people from all walks of life and ages. Many different scams fall under the fraud umbrella.
As for why people fall for these tricks, the psychological data posits a couple of alternative theories. For example, a time-sensitive limit to claims has been seen as effective in increasing the efficacy of scams. Also, people overestimating their ability to back out of an offer is a factor.
Documentaries are very good at presenting the facts of the case, but they cannot show us the stakes involved.
We do not see the time taken to essentially brainwash a person and change their perception. We also don’t feel or experience the inner workings of the relationship. There aren’t the resources for this reality emersion yet (think of the game Roy: A Life Well Lived from Rick and Morty), nor is there the time for audience members to be brought in fully.
Therefore, it is very easy to sit and point at the TV and think you’d be safe from fraud. When the data we have available shows otherwise.
2. Victims of fraud are groomed
Although the actual scam needs to be good to succeed, its overall success depends on the scammer and their power of persuasion. The most successful usually exhibit 3 similar characteristics — psychopathy, narcissism and Machiavellianism. They take advantage of the empathy and emotions of their victims, tailoring their strategies to the unique characteristics of their mark.
Therefore, we shouldn’t look at what these women went through and imagine how we’d react in their place. It is possible that the things we’d experience would be very different.
I mean, we saw this in the documentary when not all the victims were romantic prospects. No con man will ask you for $20,000 on the fly unless they’re sure you’d give it over. They’ll also send their requests in stages to ensure success. So what starts as $100 here and there will increase over time as your comfort with handing over smaller amounts grows.
3. Let’s be honest about the perceived risk
Let’s go with a simple hypothetical. If I went on a date today and he took me on a private jet to a different country, lavished me with money and expensive gifts. Then I came back to you and told you I thought he was a fraudster. Would you not think I was crazy? After all, there have been no hints to show that he is broke; everything he’s done proves he has money. Therefore, where would he being a scam artist, come from?
Occam’s razor states that the simplest explanation — the solution that requires the fewest assumptions — is usually the right one. Therefore, simply being rich is the most straightforward explanation versus being a crook. So, I think we need to be honest about the perceived risk these women thought they faced.
4. Giving friends and family money is a common thing
I am pretty prolific when it comes to borrowing money from friends. I am somewhat impulsive and shite at budgeting, so I often find myself short of funds quite suddenly before payday. So I borrow money from people for the 3–7 days I need it. But, what I don’t have in money management I make up in reimbursement. And I would happily claim I am very, very good at paying people back when I tell them I will.
Borrowing money from friends and family is a common thing that we all do. Yes, I’m not borrowing $20K, but it does happen. Therefore, claiming that these women lending Simon money is a crazy concept is very dishonest.
Furthermore, if you have a wealthy friend caught in a bind, giving them $20k would seem like an obvious choice of negligible risk. After all, their wealth should be an indicator that they’ll pay you back.
Yes, dear reader, you may not give them $20K, but do you even have that amount of money to give? No. So shut it!
Stop victim-blaming these women
Due to these women taking out the money in their names, nothing can legally be done. A crime (in legal terms) has not been committed. Therefore, they’re stuck and with debt.
So it’s no wonder The Tinder Swindler victims made various funding efforts to help clear their debt. It is also good to remember that it is unethical for documentary subjects to get paid, so they probably didn’t get paid for sharing their stories.
Since then, I’ve seen some people surprised or questioning their motives since they’ve started looking for donations. Which makes very little sense; they’re bankrupt? I am honestly unsure of what people wanted them to do? To just die in debt over misplaced trust?
Falling victim to fraud is not a personal failing.
These women need our support, and I think it is incredibly disgusting to victim-blame them. I am not saying asking questions or sharing your disbelief is wrong. But it’s when folk take this a step further and claim these women deserved to struggle for falling for a con that I get upset.
Intellectual dishonesty only harms us, not them
All of us will likely fall prey to a scam in the future, and when we do, the legal system will probably be unable to help. Therefore, people must stop taking the piss and take situations like this seriously, if not for these women, yourself.
Fraud is very traumatic and also a crime. These women are not to be blamed for their misplaced trust. They need our pity and support. I hope this piece has offered justification as to why.
So what do you think? Share your thoughts below!